I didn't think I'd ever be grateful. I lost six months of work. I cried. I yelled. I sat in the dark. I thought about quitting.
Then I started writing again. Not the same paper. A different one. Better.
The first paper was safe. I was using sources I knew. Making arguments I'd made before. I wasn't taking risks. I wasn't learning.
The new paper is not safe. I'm asking questions I didn't ask before. I'm using sources I didn't read before. I'm making arguments I'm not sure about. It's harder. It's better.
I'm not attached to the words anymore. I was attached to the old words. They were mine. I wrote them. I loved them. They're gone. Now I'm writing new words. I'm not attached. I'm just writing.
I know what matters now. The paper wasn't the thing. The ideas were. The research questions. The sources. The methods. I had those. In a notebook. On paper. I didn't lose those.
I have a system now. I back up everything. Cloud. External drive. Paper. I won't lose it again.
I learned that I can start again. I thought I couldn't. I thought I'd give up. I didn't. I'm still here. I'm still writing.
My advisor said: “The first paper was practice. This is the real one.”
She was right.
I'm not grateful I lost it. I'm grateful I started again. I'm grateful I didn't quit. I'm grateful I learned what matters.
I'm still behind. I'm still stressed. But I'm writing. And this paper is better.
Then I started writing again. Not the same paper. A different one. Better.
The first paper was safe. I was using sources I knew. Making arguments I'd made before. I wasn't taking risks. I wasn't learning.
The new paper is not safe. I'm asking questions I didn't ask before. I'm using sources I didn't read before. I'm making arguments I'm not sure about. It's harder. It's better.
I'm not attached to the words anymore. I was attached to the old words. They were mine. I wrote them. I loved them. They're gone. Now I'm writing new words. I'm not attached. I'm just writing.
I know what matters now. The paper wasn't the thing. The ideas were. The research questions. The sources. The methods. I had those. In a notebook. On paper. I didn't lose those.
I have a system now. I back up everything. Cloud. External drive. Paper. I won't lose it again.
I learned that I can start again. I thought I couldn't. I thought I'd give up. I didn't. I'm still here. I'm still writing.
My advisor said: “The first paper was practice. This is the real one.”
She was right.
I'm not grateful I lost it. I'm grateful I started again. I'm grateful I didn't quit. I'm grateful I learned what matters.
I'm still behind. I'm still stressed. But I'm writing. And this paper is better.